The Life of Human Design Projectors

Basic Human Design Concepts – What is the Not-Self?

What is Conditioning?

 width=by Andrea Abay-Abay

Originally published on JovianArchive.com

The first seven years of life is a time when you received intense conditioning. Conditioning is a natural and normal process that happens throughout your life.

Knowing how the outside world conditions you, and becoming aware of conditioning influences and conditioned behaviors, is crucial in transforming your awareness and increasing the likelihood of leading an authentic, fulfilling life.

 

What is Conditioning?

Simply put, conditioning is what happens when the open areas in you are energized by outside forces and cause you to see and react to the world around you in a particular way.

As you grow up in this world of constant conditioning from outside forces, you are helpless to stop it. Conditioning comes from your parents, your family, your friends, your school system, your media, your lovers, your society, your religion, your country, your solar system….

Conditioning is happening everywhere, all the time. All of those forces bring energy into your openness, and you may lose yourself in the experiences and influences of this energy that is not consistent in you, of this energy that is not you.

You Cannot Escape Conditioning

You will never get rid of conditioning. We all experience it. Like everything in Human Design, it is neither good nor bad, it simply is.

Your mind develops ways of behaving in relation to the openness, which conditions your mind’s decision-making process. Most people on this planet are using their minds to make decisions, which is what you were told to do too, right?

 1

The Gift of Openness

When you are operating correctly from the energy that is unique and reliable within you, openness is a gift. It gives you the opportunity to learn to become wise about outside forces that you encounter in this life.

Openness within us tends to amplify and distort outside energies, and when you are not operating correctly, openness can cause you to make decisions that are not true to your energy and uniqueness.

What is the ‘Not-Self’?

Not-Self behaviors are rooted in strategies that your mind develops in order to try to become, change, fix or deal with the openness. For example, things like proving yourself, pretending to be certain, avoiding confrontation and truth or holding on to things that aren’t good for you.

Aptly named, the ‘not-self’ consists of a set of behaviors that are predictable, depending on your particular Human Design. What can happen is that ‘not-self’ mind chatter can arise from the openness and take you away from your true self.

In other words, your mind can develop habitual internal dialogue, comparing yourself with others and outside expectations, which can cause you to agonize about what you ‘should’ do, or who you’d rather be. Your mind’s self-talk can then lead to decision-making based on that inconsistent energy present in your openness – witness the ‘not-self’ in action!

Your ‘Not-Self’ Mind

Your ‘not-self’ mind can place emphasis on what you think (or what others think) is best for you, and then your mind makes ‘not-self’ decisions based on those thoughts. Any time you make decisions with your conditioned mind, you lose touch with your true self.

2When you live your life out of not-self conditioning, based on what your mind is attracted to, pulled towards and conditioned by – in other words, what is NOT YOU – your decisions will be out of alignment with your Human Design.

When you make decisions due to outside energy that is not consistent within you nor in alignment with the energy that is unique to you, this can be the source of a great deal of frustration, bitterness, disappointment and anger in your life.

 

 

“You take control of your own life by becoming your own authority. There is no other way.”
Ra Uru Hu

What is Deconditioning?

‘Deconditioning’ is a seven-year process of cellular renewal while transferring decision making from your mind, to where it belongs, which is your own authority – one of seven possible authorities we have for decision making.

In order to bypass the ‘not-self’ traps of a deeply conditioned mind and avoid using it to make decisions, you learn to follow a simple strategy unique to your Human Design Type and honor your own authority instead.

The process of deconditioning is simple, but by no means is it easy. It takes making a decision to learn more about your Human Design, and dedication and determination to experiment with this knowledge over time to see how it can work for you.

Living your Human Design is a life-transforming and highly personal journey that gives you insight into how the not-self undermines true satisfaction, success, peace and surprise in your life.

Become aware of and witness how your mind operates when it attempts to control your life. Follow your Human Design strategy and honor your own authority, so you can eventually uncover your true self to live the life you are perfectly designed to live.

Wouldn’t you like to walk down the path of fulfilling your own unique possibilities, to live as your authentic self and live out your true purpose in life?

You are invited to find out more about your own Human Design for free at myBodygraph.com.

2Your mind can be entertained by teaching it to watch the way your not-self works, and distracted from trying to control your life. So check out the educational resources below if you want to take a positive step forward in the development of your consciousness.

 

“We’re healing our personalities. We’re refining them by educating them. This is how you develop awareness.” Ra Uru Hu

Posted in Jovian Archive Articles Tagged with: , , ,

What is Human Design and where did it come from?

An Invitation into Human Design

 

In this video, I share a little of my story, what Human Design is, how it came into the world. I also cover some of the basic concepts in Human Design. I share some of how Human Design works and why we need to experiment with it. Human Design helps us live out our true nature, by providing us with a way to understand ourselves and make decisions that are correct for us.

If you are ready to take the next step into learning how to live your Human Design, a Living Your Design Awakening Program is the best way to be guided through the details of your Human Design. This program allows you to learn the basics over time and integrate the knowledge from your Human Design Reading into your being, so that you know WHY and HOW to experiment with the knowledge.

 

LYD guides are from 39 countries worldwide. If you’d like to take a Living Your Design with me, here’s the details on my upcoming class for Projectors and Manifestors only.

Posted in My Human Design Experiment Tagged with: , , , ,

Living Your Design Class for Projectors & Manifestors

Human Design Awakening Program for Projectors and Manifestors
Learning Human Design isn't the same as Living it.

Learning Human Design isn’t the same as Living it.

Living Your Design Awakening Program

conducted by Andrea Abay-Abay

In this online Awakening Program, Andrea Abay-Abay, 3/5 Emotional Projector (with special appearance by Alokanand Diaz del Rio, ) will reveal how Human Design can provide a way for you to wake up to your true nature.

You’ll learn why and how to experiment with the mechanical keys that unlock your individual unique potential. Practical tips and strategies for living your design will be included for Projectors and Manifestors throughout the eight online sessions, and we’ll go over not only participants’ charts, but each of you can share the charts of two people in your lives to better understand how you are conditioned by them (if you are a Projector) or how you impact them (if you are a Manifestor).

Alok is including an hour long presentation on Manifestors as home-study material, and plans to conduct the session on December 21st when we cover the Solar Plexus, Ego and Sacral centers. This program qualifies you to take Alok’s upcoming Rave ABC’s class in Sedona, Arizona.

In this 8 session webinar series, you’ll learn:

  • What is Human Design & How Does it Work?
  • What are the 9 Centers and How do they Function?
  • What are the Aura Types?
Living Your Human Design Guides

Your Guides: Andrea Abay-Abay & Alokanand Diaz del Rio

Our goal is to provide the essential principles Projectors and Manifestors need to grasp in order to successfully experiment with their Human Design Strategy and Authority in decision making.

Living Your Human Design is for those who are ready to discover their individual potential. You’re invited!

Sessions are LIVE Online 12/13-1/4/15 at 18 GMT (Saturdays & Sundays) and recorded for your convenience. There are prerequisites. To see if you qualify to take the Living Your Design Awakening Program, please email andrea@humandesignprojectors.com

Price is $350. If you’ve taken LYD previously and want to attend this one, your price is only $245 to join us.

Download the Living Your Design Awakening Program Flyer here.

 

 

Posted in Human Design Living Your Design Awakening Program Tagged with: , , ,

You’re Here to Be You! (A Human Design Poem)

DrSeuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” Dr Seuss

No one on Earth

Is you-er than You

Boy, is that ever so true!

 

But it’s also so

From head to toe

That you can be “not-you” too.

 

Not-you? Don’t do!

You’re here to be you

Expression of the Gene Pool

 

Look deep within

We all begin

Obeying mind like a Fool.

 

Our mind’s a trap

‘bout this and that

Deciding so it can look cool

 

But that’s not the way

To act out life’s play

For us to fight our own rules!

 

“What rules?” you say

“I want to play!”

Then gather close for the game

 

Come play your part

It is an art

For we are not all the same

 

You want to win?

Here now, dig in

Just use your Authorities’

 

Decisions make

A piece of cake

Of life’s big moralities

 

A Strategy’s

The key, you see

To know when it’s time to choose

 

The Aura shows

Your energy flow

Stick with it and you can’t loose.

 

Handle with care

Costume you wear

Profile is how you be you

 

Human Design

With time, you’ll find

Guides you to see what is True.

Posted in Human Design Poetry Tagged with: , , ,

Welcome to My Human Design Experiment

Ra Uru Hu Quote Human Design is about making Decisions as Yourself

Hi. I’m Andrea Abay-Abay, a 3/5 Emotionally Defined Projector who is experimenting with Human Design.

 

 

 

Understanding my Human Design has been a personal journey of discovery unlike anything else in it’s ability to help me uncover the fulfilling life I was truly meant for.

My journey began with a reading by a professionally trained Human Design analyst for an overview of my Rave Bodygraph to meet my Aura Type – a Projector – and to find out my strategy as a Projector, which is to wait for the invitation. I also discovered my inner Authority, which is my Solar Plexus center, the source of powerful emotions that I regularly experience, through which I need to wait patiently for clarity in order to decide what invitations are right for me.

My next step was a Living Your Design Awakening Program, which I began with Human Design America in May of 2013. This LYD awakening program was the perfect way for me to begin the process known as “Deconditioning,” which is a seven year cellular renewal while transferring decision making from mind to Inner Authority.

Following the Strategy of my Type and honoring where I was designed to make decisions as my truth has begun to make me aware of “Not-Self” behaviors that lead to resistance.

My Advanced Human Design Rave Chart 3/5 Projector

My Advanced Human Design Rave Chart

The LYD program taught me how to reduce resistance in my life and allow the emergence of my true gifts, talents and uniqueness.

Deconditioning had the ability to eventually break through my mind’s death grip on my life. It literally was a death grip. I came close to ending my life just to end the pain.

Our minds have absolutely no business running our lives, and often, for the vast majority of people, our minds are killing us slowly.

Not only would I try to make decisions with my mind, I gave other people authority over decision-making in my life. It was a surefire way to end up living a not-self life.

In other words, making decisions from my mind was the way I ended up living a life filled with resistance that showed up as bitterness for me, as a Projector. Improper flow of energy in my life lead to incorrect living in the form of extreme anxiety, confusion, burnout, depression, dis-ease and exhaustion, which I tried to hide from everyone except the people who were very close to me.

In the LYD awakening program I was guided through the 9 Centers of the Human Design Bodygraph, and how they are designed to operate correctly as well as what they operate like when incorrect. I was encouraged take a good hard look at the ways in which I was protecting, what I thought of as myself, which was really my not-self. Most people operate from not-self, which is their mind’s fearful way of mal-functioning in order to avoid pain, and I was deeply, deeply conditioned to be the same.

Making decisions from my openness, which amplified the energies around me, distorted my perception of what was true for me, and lead me to living a life that I was totally not suited for.

It takes a very high level of awareness and a very deep level of honesty to begin to see the ways in which my mind had taken over running – and ruining – my life. Through writing and social media, I’m documenting my experiment of following my Strategy and Authority if you’d like to join me in this journey.

I want my primary focus to be on the basics of Human Design, on the two things that I know will help shatter the hold of my mind’s not-self behavior in my life. And that is, recognizing the signposts of the mind’s control over my decision making process, and learning how to follow my Human Design Strategy, while honoring my inner Authority instead of my mind.

This core perspective shift on how to handle decision making in life can bypass the traps of mind and the pitfalls of living as not-self. I am beginning to recognize the not-self ways in which I protect myself, and discovering the life that I were born to live, revealing the uniqueness of my true self that I was designed to be.

As an Emotional, Split Definition and unaware Projector, it took a longer, deeper amount of study and observation of others in order to understand my reality enough to even begin this perspective shift. I have lived through the struggle, suffering and deep pain of living as Not-Self for nearly all of my 37 years. I’m still in the very beginning of my first 7 year cycle of deconditioning. I’m still learning and often, laughing about all the ways my mind is incredibly incompetent when it comes to making decisions in my life.

As a Projector, I can see so many things with this brilliant mind about OTHER people and their lives. And that’s truly what our minds are here for. Mind is an outer authority. Its here for the other. The only difference between you and I is that I have a little more time experimenting with this knowledge and I have lived through enough of my own experiment, watched enough of other people’s experiments, to know that this stuff works – that Human Design works. It brings relaxation into your being as you settle into who you really are instead of agonizing over who you are not.

If you are reading this, I know Human Design can work for you too, if you stick with the experiment and wake up to the illusion you live in. This knowledge may not be possible for everyone to grasp. However, I know I can make a contribution to furthering Human Design’s presence in the world for those who may be inspired, when I allow myself to be the creative role model of someone who knows where they are going.

But don’t take my word for it. Learn how to live your design – and that’s what the LYD awakening program is all about. It will give you the foundation of looking at the Centers so that you can begin to recognize your “Not-Self” and uncover what lies within you that you can always rely on.

I know I can direct you to resources and tools for further study, tools like MyBodygraph.com. Hopefully I can help to inspire you to begin your experiment, but it will be you, and you alone who will find correctness or not.

You know, a friend on Facebook told me recently “We are alone. But we don’t have to be lonely.”

Forging ahead with this Human Design experiment, I don’t want to be lonely anymore. That’s why I’m sharing with you now. So if any of this resonates with you, I invite you to join me.

It is up to you to decide to get a reading from an analyst and participate in a Living Your Design awakening program to begin your own experiment. It is up to you to take in this knowledge and actually do something with it.

Knowledge alone is not power.

Experiential wisdom put into action (or non-action) when correct, is power.

I want to facilitate my process of learning viscerally what it really means to live out the truth of my design by sharing my journey with you. I’d like to ask for any help, encouragement and support that you feel inspired to give so that together, we can come to understand the mechanics to this Maia, this illusion of separateness that we all live in. I know I can master the mechanics with patience, study, and time.

After all, Projectors are here to master systems, and the Human Design System is the most powerful resource I’ve found to help facilitate awareness and awakening in this life.

Being a 3/5 Profile means I’ll be making mistakes along the way. But that is how I learn, so that I can share my learning of what doesn’t work with others who ask for my guidance, so that they don’t have to make those same mistakes. So, please excuse any mistakes I make as far as sharing in my experiment, as well as the vast knowledge Human Design covers. I appreciate your feedback, comments and questions as I move along in my experiment..

So welcome to My Human Design Experiment and I look forward to sharing this journey with you as we awaken to our true selves.

Posted in My Human Design Experiment Tagged with: , ,

My Human Design Awakening Part 5

Human Design opens the door to the potential of self-love, a love of life and a love of others through understanding.

Human Design opens the door to the potential of self-love, a love of life and a love of others through understanding.

My Human Design Awakening Continues…

For 35 years I worked hard at making my life a success, wanting to accept and love myself, but looking in the mirror with unconditional love was just not possible.  Rejection of self is a difficult place from which to learn how to behave.  The pain from the countless mistakes I’ve made over the years through my trial and error learning process made it truly challenging for me to forgive, accept and love myself without guilt or trying to change anything.

It took heart-wrenching events of deep personal loss for me to really see the patterning of my experiences and to try to break it.  Without Human Design to help me understand the program I was living and the reasons for my bitter predicament, who knows how much longer I would have chosen to live here.  With Human Design I know I can peel back the layers of Not-Self to begin living as who I truly am and find the sweetness of success that I desire and was born for.

After hitting rock-bottom, I escaped the low-land city life I’d been living for 10 years that was not correct for me and moved to the mountains, focusing on being in nature, meditation and studying to get back to myself.  Human Design was the major tool that allowed me to finally understand my life and brought the light of hope back into it, allowing me to function again.

With Human Design, I immediately knew I had had finally found the keys to mastering my life and what made other people tick. Now that I’ve been experimenting with the system for a few years, and after being invited several times to write about it, I know I can finally speak up and share my individual knowing to make a contribution.

Honoring the deep call from within to understand the way the world works in terms of the illusion we are living, I have decided to commit my life fully to learning and sharing this work and my process with others when recognized and invited.

The vast majority of you who might be reading this will not need the kind of intense study in Design that I did to see results.  All it takes is finding out your Type, Strategy and Authority and beginning your own experiment by testing it to see how it works.Human Design is not a belief system. It is a way of understanding the mechanics of the forces around us that shape who we all are.

As a Projector, I am designed to love and master systems.  During my first year of living my experiment and studying design, I experienced major “shattering” of many beliefs about myself, the world and others that I had stubbornly clung onto as truth.  It was really hard at times; I felt very confused and there was A LOT of crying!

As a solar plexus defined being, with emotional cognition, I’m a highly emotional person – something I was always ashamed of.  Starting as early as a young teenager I was prescribed powerful medications (which I could never consistently take) that just were not right for my sensitive system.  Several important people in my life constantly pushed medication on me and sometimes I gave in just to please them. I didn’t trust my emotions and the people closest to me didn’t trust me because of them. They just couldn’t.

As the messenger of Human Design, Ra Uru Hu would say at times after delivering a particular bit of information “It is what it is” or “What to do?”  Whether you are emotionally defined and feeling your own powerful waves of emotion or not emotionally defined and amplifying the emotions of those around you, there’s nothing you can do but learn about your design, so that you can understand the mechanics to ride the waves of emotions, “Live Your Design” and through it all, “Love Yourself.”  Human Design has shown me how to do that and I know it can do that for you too if you are ready for this knowledge.

No matter what my re-birthed form looks and behaves like, and on whatever mountain she will end up (I am designed to function optimally in the mountains), I finally get what “passenger consciousness” means experientially and I am enjoying the movie of what it is to be human in my own form.

 

Posted in Human Design Deconditioning Experiment Tagged with: , , , ,

My Human Design Awakening Part 4

Ra Uru Hu Quote Human Design is about making Decisions as Yourself

It’s all about Decisions!

My Human Design Awakening Continues…

The awareness and release from the constant pressure of conditioned behavior is a relief beyond words.  That pressure that I have felt all my life to prove that I am capable, that I am worthy, that I am loveable, that I am good enough – that pressure was slowly but surely killing me.

As a child I was told constantly that I could do anything I put my mind to.  Such a well-meaning and positive sounding phrase!  Yet the things that I expressed that I wanted to do most were dismissed as unrealistic fantasy by that same advisor who told me what I should do instead.

Growing up as the eldest, I was used fulfilling high expectations and being bragged about by my family, step-family and in-laws, to the point that I found much of my value in achievements and in how other people saw me.  My self-worth was deeply dependent on what I thought others thought of me.

I suspected at times that the constant pressure to prove myself was detrimental… yet I didn’t know how to turn it off or how else I was supposed to be!

When I turned 30 seven years ago, I consciously became aware of the frenzied pattern of overachievement that I had grown accustomed to as a problem.  I knew that I had this energy within me, pushing me to be ambitious, to constantly achieve in order to prove myself, to work hard to become smarter, faster, better, stronger, more beautiful, more sexy, to take immediate action.  This energy that is not who I really was pushed me to set my mind to do something and make it happen, to force success.

Sometimes it worked.  I had a long list of accomplishments to justify my time, my worth, my value, my importance.  They became resume boosters in several careers that weren’t right for me, as I struggled to be consistent; to be busy, to be productive, and most importantly, to be hard-working. To live up to society’s’ expectations.  I was completely ignorant of my lack of life force energy to work and overworked my body.  I pushed myself at the detriment of my health to accomplish, to acquire more, to achieve the American Dream.

What I learned was that my happy feelings of accomplishment didn’t last for long; chasing my many dreams burned me out to the point of extreme overwhelm, constant exhaustion and deep, debilitating depression. Even though I got everything I thought I wanted, I was bitter inside.

Now, I see that those thirty plus years of the recurring feeling of not-worthiness was a by-product of my personality pushing my body to do things it didn’t want to really do, and my bio-form just couldn’t operate correctly because of my blindness to my own inner truth.  I had collected so many new experiences and accomplished so many amazing things, yet I never felt successful even when I did seem to have it all.

I see now how open and vulnerable I was to the conditioning field of the people around me and the way that I was raised.  My own incompetence (though I blamed it on others) made me into something I was not.  In my over-eagerness to please the people I loved, to prove myself and to be loved, trying to be what I was not led me to living a negatively conditioned “Not-Self” life.  My expectations of myself and the expectations of others were pressures I forced myself to meet and if I couldn’t… well, I sure didn’t handle it gracefully, to say the very least.

As a Not-Self human I rarely made decisions from a place of calm or clarity – my decisions were generally impulsive, when I was either very up or very down emotionally.  I ended up regretting so many of them very, very deeply – some of these decisions haunted me for years.  I am designed to make mistakes and learn from them, but boy, some of my learning experiences were doozies and I would not wish them on anyone.

Despite the innate resilience that is hard-wired into my design, I got to the point where I nearly killed myself.  With similar chart aspects to the recently self-deceased Robin Williams, (“Individual circuitry” “Split Definition” and “Emotionally Defined”), I had huge waves of powerful emotions, never felt whole when I was alone and often experienced the melancholy and sometimes depression that pulses through my being.

The ache of an individual without the ability to express it’s uniqueness can drain the life out of you when not understood, and can lead to intense feelings of loneliness that may have tragic endings for a Not-Self being. When that mutating pulse is understood and honored, it could instead lead to things like deep inner truth, innovative thinking and insight, intense creativity, radical change, higher knowing, and authentic direction. When you discover the truth about yourself, you are given the keys to unlocking your true potential and living the fullness of a life you were truly born for.

Do you have individual circuitry? How does it feel to you?

Posted in Human Design Deconditioning Experiment Tagged with: , ,

My Human Design Awakening, Part 3

Ra Uru Hu Quote on Projectors

Projectors are here to See

My Human Design Awakening Continued…

Now I know how to wait.  

My waiting is interesting, it is active.  

I am never bored as I watch my movie.  

I am actively waiting.  

Waiting for clarity.  

Waiting for fulfillment.  

Waiting for the perfect timing of movement.

This looks like a more introspective me in conversations, with far more patience when it comes to big decisions.  I know to wait – not to try to force anything or figure things out – though putting it into practice is much easier said than done, and I consistently catch my mind as I fall into old patterns of behaving.

I know to hold back from jumping in to answer other’s questions without being asked.

I know to restrain from doing things without being asked.

And I know that I don’t have to do everything that people ask me in order to prove myself.

I know these things, but breaking the habits of my “Not-Self” way of being takes time, and I’m not there yet when it comes to the everyday patterns of my life. I’ll be blogging about my experience and discoveries of what it is really like to fully commit to this experiment.

Where are you at in your Human Design Experiment?

 

Posted in Human Design Deconditioning Experiment

My Human Design Awakening Part 2

Human Design opens the door to the potential of self-love, a love of life and a love of others through understanding.

Human Design opens the door to the potential of self-love, a love of life and a love of others through understanding.

Continued from How Human Design came into My Life

As a child, I was constantly told that I could do anything I put my mind to.  Such a well-meaning and positive sounding phrase!  What I expressed that I wanted to do most was dismissed as an unrealistic fantasy by that same advisor who told me what I should do instead.

Growing up as the eldest, I was used fulfilling high expectations and being bragged about by my family, step-family, and in-laws. I found much of my value in achievements and in how other people saw me.  My self-worth was deeply dependent on what I thought others thought of me.

 

I suspected at times that the constant pressure to prove myself was detrimental… yet I didn’t know how to turn it off or how else I was supposed to be!

 

When I turned 30 seven years ago, I consciously became aware of the frenzied pattern of overachievement that I had grown accustomed to as a problem.  I knew that I had this energy within me, pushing me to be ambitious, to constantly achieve in order to prove myself, improve myself, to work hard.

 

I wanted become smarter, faster, better, stronger, more beautiful, sexier, to take immediate action.  This energy that is not who I really was pushed me to set my mind to do something and “make it happen”.

Sometimes it worked.  I had a long list of accomplishments to justify my time, my worth, my value, my importance.  They became boosters on my resume in several careers that weren’t right for me, as I struggled to be consistent; to be busy, to be productive, to be hard-working.

 

I wanted to live up to society’s’ expectations and be a success.  I was completely ignorant of my lack of life force energy to work and overworked my body.  I pushed myself at the detriment of my health to accomplish, to acquire more, to achieve the American Dream.

What I learned was that my happy feelings of accomplishment didn’t last for long; chasing my many dreams burned me out to the point of extreme overwhelm, constant exhaustion and deep, debilitating depression. Even though I got everything I thought I wanted, I was bitter inside.

 

Now, I see that those thirty plus years of the recurring feeling of not-worthiness was a by-product of my personality pushing my body to do things it didn’t want to do. I just couldn’t operate correctly because of my blindness to my inner truth.  I collected so many new experiences and accomplished so many amazing things, yet I never felt successful even when I did seem to have it all.

I see now how open and vulnerable I was to the conditioning field of the people around me.  My incompetence (though I blamed it on others) made me into something I was not.  In my over-eagerness to please the people I loved, to prove myself and to be loved, trying to be what I was not led me to living a negatively conditioned, “ Not-Self” life.  My expectations of myself and the expectations of others were pressures I forced myself to meet and if I couldn’t… well, I sure didn’t handle it gracefully, to say the very least.

 

As a Not-Self human, I rarely made decisions from a place of calm or clarity – my decisions were impulsive, when I was either very up or very down emotionally.  I ended up regretting so many of them very, very deeply – some of these decisions haunted me for years.  I am designed to make mistakes and learn from them, but boy, some of my learning experiences were doozies and I would not wish them on anyone.

Despite the innate resilience that is hard-wired into my Human Design, I got to the point where I nearly killed myself.  With huge waves of powerful emotions, I never felt whole when I was alone and often experienced the melancholy and sometimes depression that pulses through my being.

 

The ache of an individual without the ability to express its uniqueness can drain the life out of you when not understood. Intense feelings of loneliness may have tragic endings for a Not-Self being. When that mutating pulse is understood and honored, it could instead lead to things like deep inner truth, innovative thinking and insight, intense creativity, radical change, higher knowing, and authentic direction. When you discover the truth about yourself, you are given the keys to unlocking your true potential and to live the fullness of life that you were born to live.

 

For 35 years, I worked hard at making my life a “success”, wanting to accept and love myself, but looking in the mirror with unconditional love was just not possible.  Rejection of self is difficult. The pain from the countless mistakes I’ve made over the years through my trial and error learning process made it truly challenging for me to forgive, accept and love myself without guilt or trying to change anything.

It took heart-wrenching events of deep personal loss for me to really see the patterning of my experiences and to try to break it.  Without Human Design to help me understand the program I was living and the reasons for my bitter predicament, who knows how much longer I would have chosen to live here.  With Human Design, I know I can peel back the layers of Not-Self to begin living as who I truly am and find the sweetness of success that I desired.

 

After hitting rock-bottom, I escaped the low-land city life I’d been living and moved to the mountains, focusing on being in nature, meditation and studying to get back to myself.  Human Design was a major tool that allowed me to understand my life and brought the light of hope back into it, allowing me to function again.

With Human Design, I immediately knew I had had finally found the keys to mastering my life and what made other people “tick”. I know I can finally speak up and share my individual knowing to make a contribution.

Posted in My Human Design Experiment Tagged with: , ,

How Human Design came into my Life

Human Design Book

Photo credit: Lynda Bunnell

How Human Design came into my Life

I was invited into Human Design a few years ago by someone who guessed I was a Generator from what he knew of me. He ran my chart, which showed I was one of a new Type of human that started appearing here in 1781 – a Projector. He then said emphatically “You NEED to know this stuff!” I ordered the Definitive Book of Human Design, got a reading, and my deconditioning journey began.

Since discovering Human Design, I have listened to and watched thousands of hours material, mainly from the Jovian Archive Media Library in the free as well as paid areas of the site. I also learned through many coaching sessions and took classes from certified analysts like Kumud Kabir, Darshana Matthews, Genoa Bliven, Lasita Shalev, Becky Markley and Carol Zimmerman. For over a year, the nightstand next to my bed has been home to all my Human Design books. I refer to them daily while encountering transits and people in my awareness.

I just re-took the foundation classes with Bethi Black at an in-person Human Design Intensive. This training blew me away in terms of my understanding of how I really am designed to function. I loved the convenience of the online foundation classes; now I was more comfortable with the terminology. Adding the in-aura interaction into my process allowed for a breakthrough in my understanding.

Some Human Design material I have reviewed several times over to absorb deeper meaning. Human Design uses the English language creatively to interpret the energy present in a graphical representation synthesizing major exoteric and esoteric sciences in order to understand the forces that make us who we are. Despite my years of study, after this week’s Intensive I feel like I just woke up to my design and am hearing so many things as if for the very first time. I’m in awe as I observe my body’s movements and have a visceral feeling of the practical applications that the Human Design System has in my life.

I know I can remember now to follow my Projector strategy of waiting. In order to bypass the mind’s conditioning, Projectors wait to be recognized and invited into the big decisions in life. Those critical, life altering decisions of where to live, who to love, what to do for work. I know I can wait now for clarity over time through the emotional wave of my defined solar plexus before moving forward with those big decisions.

In practice, this is a far cry from the old me who would constantly strategize about my future or jump the gun on decisions. Not only would my mind scheme and manipulate, it would initiate big changes spontaneously. The intense feelings I was experiencing in my powerful, mutating solar plexus center, the source of my inner authority, was the one place in my design where I was designed to make decisions. It was the one place that I had been deeply conditioned NOT to trust.

Now I know how to wait. My waiting is interesting; it is active. I am never bored as I watch my life movie.

I am actively waiting.

Waiting for clarity.
Waiting for fulfillment.
Waiting for the perfect timing of movement.

My waiting looks like a more introspective me in conversations. My waiting gives me far more patience when it comes to big decisions. I know to wait – not to try to force anything or figure things out. Putting waiting into practice is much easier said than done, however and I consistently catch my mind as I fall into old patterns of behaving. I know to hold back from jumping in to answer other’s questions without being asked. I know to restrain from doing things without being asked. And I know that I don’t have to do everything that people ask me in order to prove myself. I know these things, but breaking the habits of my “Not-Self” way of being takes time, and I’m not there yet when it comes to the everyday patterns of my life.

However…
The awareness and release from this constant pressure of conditioned behavior is a relief beyond words. That pressure that I have felt all my life to prove that I am capable, that I am worthy, that I am love-able, that I am good enough….

That pressure was slowly but surely killing me.

Can you relate?

 

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