My Human Design Awakening Continues…
The awareness and release from the constant pressure of conditioned behavior is a relief beyond words. That pressure that I have felt all my life to prove that I am capable, that I am worthy, that I am loveable, that I am good enough – that pressure was slowly but surely killing me.
As a child I was told constantly that I could do anything I put my mind to. Such a well-meaning and positive sounding phrase! Yet the things that I expressed that I wanted to do most were dismissed as unrealistic fantasy by that same advisor who told me what I should do instead.
Growing up as the eldest, I was used fulfilling high expectations and being bragged about by my family, step-family and in-laws, to the point that I found much of my value in achievements and in how other people saw me. My self-worth was deeply dependent on what I thought others thought of me.
I suspected at times that the constant pressure to prove myself was detrimental… yet I didn’t know how to turn it off or how else I was supposed to be!
When I turned 30 seven years ago, I consciously became aware of the frenzied pattern of overachievement that I had grown accustomed to as a problem. I knew that I had this energy within me, pushing me to be ambitious, to constantly achieve in order to prove myself, to work hard to become smarter, faster, better, stronger, more beautiful, more sexy, to take immediate action. This energy that is not who I really was pushed me to set my mind to do something and make it happen, to force success.
Sometimes it worked. I had a long list of accomplishments to justify my time, my worth, my value, my importance. They became resume boosters in several careers that weren’t right for me, as I struggled to be consistent; to be busy, to be productive, and most importantly, to be hard-working. To live up to society’s’ expectations. I was completely ignorant of my lack of life force energy to work and overworked my body. I pushed myself at the detriment of my health to accomplish, to acquire more, to achieve the American Dream.
What I learned was that my happy feelings of accomplishment didn’t last for long; chasing my many dreams burned me out to the point of extreme overwhelm, constant exhaustion and deep, debilitating depression. Even though I got everything I thought I wanted, I was bitter inside.
Now, I see that those thirty plus years of the recurring feeling of not-worthiness was a by-product of my personality pushing my body to do things it didn’t want to really do, and my bio-form just couldn’t operate correctly because of my blindness to my own inner truth. I had collected so many new experiences and accomplished so many amazing things, yet I never felt successful even when I did seem to have it all.
I see now how open and vulnerable I was to the conditioning field of the people around me and the way that I was raised. My own incompetence (though I blamed it on others) made me into something I was not. In my over-eagerness to please the people I loved, to prove myself and to be loved, trying to be what I was not led me to living a negatively conditioned “Not-Self” life. My expectations of myself and the expectations of others were pressures I forced myself to meet and if I couldn’t… well, I sure didn’t handle it gracefully, to say the very least.
As a Not-Self human I rarely made decisions from a place of calm or clarity – my decisions were generally impulsive, when I was either very up or very down emotionally. I ended up regretting so many of them very, very deeply – some of these decisions haunted me for years. I am designed to make mistakes and learn from them, but boy, some of my learning experiences were doozies and I would not wish them on anyone.
Despite the innate resilience that is hard-wired into my design, I got to the point where I nearly killed myself. With similar chart aspects to the recently self-deceased Robin Williams, (“Individual circuitry” “Split Definition” and “Emotionally Defined”), I had huge waves of powerful emotions, never felt whole when I was alone and often experienced the melancholy and sometimes depression that pulses through my being.
The ache of an individual without the ability to express it’s uniqueness can drain the life out of you when not understood, and can lead to intense feelings of loneliness that may have tragic endings for a Not-Self being. When that mutating pulse is understood and honored, it could instead lead to things like deep inner truth, innovative thinking and insight, intense creativity, radical change, higher knowing, and authentic direction. When you discover the truth about yourself, you are given the keys to unlocking your true potential and living the fullness of a life you were truly born for.
Do you have individual circuitry? How does it feel to you?