Continued from How Human Design came into My Life…
As a child, I was constantly told that I could do anything I put my mind to. Such a well-meaning and positive sounding phrase! What I expressed that I wanted to do most was dismissed as an unrealistic fantasy by that same advisor who told me what I should do instead.
Growing up as the eldest, I was used fulfilling high expectations and being bragged about by my family, step-family, and in-laws. I found much of my value in achievements and in how other people saw me. My self-worth was deeply dependent on what I thought others thought of me.
I suspected at times that the constant pressure to prove myself was detrimental… yet I didn’t know how to turn it off or how else I was supposed to be!
When I turned 30 seven years ago, I consciously became aware of the frenzied pattern of overachievement that I had grown accustomed to as a problem. I knew that I had this energy within me, pushing me to be ambitious, to constantly achieve in order to prove myself, improve myself, to work hard.
I wanted become smarter, faster, better, stronger, more beautiful, sexier, to take immediate action. This energy that is not who I really was pushed me to set my mind to do something and “make it happen”.
Sometimes it worked. I had a long list of accomplishments to justify my time, my worth, my value, my importance. They became boosters on my resume in several careers that weren’t right for me, as I struggled to be consistent; to be busy, to be productive, to be hard-working.
I wanted to live up to society’s’ expectations and be a success. I was completely ignorant of my lack of life force energy to work and overworked my body. I pushed myself at the detriment of my health to accomplish, to acquire more, to achieve the American Dream.
What I learned was that my happy feelings of accomplishment didn’t last for long; chasing my many dreams burned me out to the point of extreme overwhelm, constant exhaustion and deep, debilitating depression. Even though I got everything I thought I wanted, I was bitter inside.
Now, I see that those thirty plus years of the recurring feeling of not-worthiness was a by-product of my personality pushing my body to do things it didn’t want to do. I just couldn’t operate correctly because of my blindness to my inner truth. I collected so many new experiences and accomplished so many amazing things, yet I never felt successful even when I did seem to have it all.
I see now how open and vulnerable I was to the conditioning field of the people around me. My incompetence (though I blamed it on others) made me into something I was not. In my over-eagerness to please the people I loved, to prove myself and to be loved, trying to be what I was not led me to living a negatively conditioned, “ Not-Self” life. My expectations of myself and the expectations of others were pressures I forced myself to meet and if I couldn’t… well, I sure didn’t handle it gracefully, to say the very least.
As a Not-Self human, I rarely made decisions from a place of calm or clarity – my decisions were impulsive, when I was either very up or very down emotionally. I ended up regretting so many of them very, very deeply – some of these decisions haunted me for years. I am designed to make mistakes and learn from them, but boy, some of my learning experiences were doozies and I would not wish them on anyone.
Despite the innate resilience that is hard-wired into my Human Design, I got to the point where I nearly killed myself. With huge waves of powerful emotions, I never felt whole when I was alone and often experienced the melancholy and sometimes depression that pulses through my being.
The ache of an individual without the ability to express its uniqueness can drain the life out of you when not understood. Intense feelings of loneliness may have tragic endings for a Not-Self being. When that mutating pulse is understood and honored, it could instead lead to things like deep inner truth, innovative thinking and insight, intense creativity, radical change, higher knowing, and authentic direction. When you discover the truth about yourself, you are given the keys to unlocking your true potential and to live the fullness of life that you were born to live.
For 35 years, I worked hard at making my life a “success”, wanting to accept and love myself, but looking in the mirror with unconditional love was just not possible. Rejection of self is difficult. The pain from the countless mistakes I’ve made over the years through my trial and error learning process made it truly challenging for me to forgive, accept and love myself without guilt or trying to change anything.
It took heart-wrenching events of deep personal loss for me to really see the patterning of my experiences and to try to break it. Without Human Design to help me understand the program I was living and the reasons for my bitter predicament, who knows how much longer I would have chosen to live here. With Human Design, I know I can peel back the layers of Not-Self to begin living as who I truly am and find the sweetness of success that I desired.
After hitting rock-bottom, I escaped the low-land city life I’d been living and moved to the mountains, focusing on being in nature, meditation and studying to get back to myself. Human Design was a major tool that allowed me to understand my life and brought the light of hope back into it, allowing me to function again.
With Human Design, I immediately knew I had had finally found the keys to mastering my life and what made other people “tick”. I know I can finally speak up and share my individual knowing to make a contribution.